If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize