either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
