Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
