There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I wear drunk well.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
