she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize