You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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