Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
