He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
