Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
