I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
