Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
