Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
