Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
