Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
