omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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