Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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