I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
