I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
