I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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