Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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