you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
3pm strippers are depressing
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
