I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
