she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
