you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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