Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
