i think my tv is drunk
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
