now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
