I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
