I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize