then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
