Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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