I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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