Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
