My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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