I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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