I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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