I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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