Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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