We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
