he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
