There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
