I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
