someone threw a dead crab at me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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