I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
