I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
