I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm always down for nudity.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
