My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
