i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
