You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I didn't notice because vodka
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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