Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
