so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
