i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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