3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize