Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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