i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
