Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
